I am honestly shit at coming up with Hallowe'en costumes. I think I peaked at around age 11 with my "giant dice" costume (i realize the singular is "die" but it's Hallowe'en and we're going for clarity here) which, though amusing to suburbian candy-dispensing homeowners and, or so I thought, a completely original idea, was large enough that i could only grasp my trick-or-treating pillowcase by the corners and ended up with hand cramps by the end of the night. It's been downhill from there.
Well, Dr. Claw was a pretty fun undertaking a few years ago, but mostly because it just involved wrapping my right forearm in tinfoil and turning my back to people.
Last year, I thought I'd be cute and dress up like a girl. I even shaved my goddamn armpits, which involved secretly using my brother's razor, and really just landed me weeks and weeks of post-Hallowe'en ingrown regret. I got my friend Sara to do my makeup, put on some bejeweled items i had picked up at Value Village, and proceeded to go to a party where only a few people knew me. Listen up butch kids - if you think you're being funny by dressing up as girls for Hallowe'en, do NOT go to a party where people don't know you. They're gonna think that you forgot to check the calendar and showed up for a wine and cheese or a book launch or the goddamn prom. And dudes just LOVE to dress in drag on Hallowe'en, and their presence WILL make you feel an idiot. Or at least an overly-meta, self-obsessed theoryhead. Out on the porch, my friend James (who was brilliantly dressed as Peewee Herman) said to me, "you know marns, people don't understand that you're 'in drag.'" Well obviously. I was getting hit on by straight boys for fuck's sake. But you know what, that was really what made it the perfect disguise.
But honestly folks, drag is boring. Boring, people! I dressed up that way because I was once again a day shy of Hallowe'en and had come up with shit-all. But come the fuck on - how many fucking dykes are gonna go out their tonight with fake mustaches? How many gay boys are gonna put heels and fishnets on? Drag on Hallowe'en is for straight people. Straight people looooooove to go in drag on Hallowe'en, because they're fucking straight people. It's so novel and hilarious! But the gays? Sorry kids. Gays in drag on Hallowe'en are lazy, plain and simple. You wanna know why?
Drag queens. Drag queens are in drag on the daily. That's old-hat for them - Hallowe'en, on the other hand, is a high holy day. The queens do everything better than everyone else in general, but man do they do it up right on Hallowe'en. In Brooklyn last weekend there was one girl dressed as a "pillow queen" and let me tell you, that costume involved elaborate embroidered tapestries, 8-foot-tall attachments, and oversized novelty 20-dollar bills. Think about it.
So please, gays, think a little harder. If you really want to wear the suspenders and the tie, go to the next meow mix or the next half-assed burlesque show that seem to happen every five minutes in this town. Tonight, save it. If I see you I will yawn.
So anyway, this year I'm honestly drawing blanks. I've got nothing. I have half a mind to go out straight from work and say that I'm dressed as an unemployable self-loathing 20-something women's studies grad. Funny!
Or maybe I'll just stay inside and eat mini chocolate bars.
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— mél Nov 1, 08:19 #