B&D, D&S, S&M, BDSM…GSG reminisces about her failed attempt at being a DOM and traumatizing her EX-SUB/GF who wanted the whole experience to be over ASAP.
Here's a mostly harmless anecdote for you: Way back in 1996 I attempted to have my very first BDSM (bondage & discipline, dominance & submission, sadism & masochism) session with my very first girlfriend. At 9:01, she entered the bedroom. At 9:16, she ran from the bedroom. If I remember the exact times, it's because this traumatic event left us both scarred, and in this case, bruised (her bottom, my ego).
Before I go into the gory details, first some history as to why I've always been so fascinated by the BDSM community. I know you're thinking it's because I'm a pervert, and normally, I would agree with you. However, in this case, I’m innocent...well sort of.
So what is it that intrigues me so about this kinky world? Well, it's not the idea of inflicting or receiving pain that appeals to me. Nor is it even the idea of being dominant or submissive that I find attractive. I have two reasons, which can be summed up in two words:
· Trust
· Communication
· And leather…ok…three reasons in three words.
From all the research I've done over the years, the one thing that stands out most is the advanced level of communication and trust that a healthy, sexy and fun BDSM experience requires.
And believe it or not, the relationship doesn't always involve sex. It goes deeper than mere sexual gratification. In some cases, it's about forming a bond that can satisfy an emotional need as well.
I don’t have a lot of first-hand experience in BDSM, so please go ahead and do your own research. I think the information you'll find will not only be fascinating, but will also eliminate some of the preconceived notions you may have about this particular community.
Back to my anecdote: After having done some extensive research, I discussed with the very first girlfriend what exactly she would like to have happen in the bedroom. This was after all her fantasy. Based on her graphic details, this involved blindfolding her, tying her up and whipping her lightly with a belt, among other things. I prepared the bedroom accordingly.
I emptied out my closet, attached some very lovely leather handcuffs with a faux fur interior to the bar where my clothes normally hang, lit some candles and voilà! This room was ready for some light S&M. In my head, it was like a pretty dungeon. What could possibly go wrong?
Oh my…how very ignorant I was.
After the ambiance had been set, the very first girlfriend and I discussed what the safety word would be, in case I did something that made her want me to stop. Why not just say "No" and "Stop" you ask? Simply because based on our past sexual experiences, no and stop really meant "Yes" and "Don't move from that spot or I'll kill you".
Being the mature lesbians that we were, the very first girlfriend and I chose the safety word penis. After a few silly giggles, I proceeded to blindfold her. After guiding her into the bedroom with only a minimum of crashing into furniture, I then handcuffed her.
This is where trust and communication would have come in handy. After a bit of teasing and foreplay, amateurs that we were, as soon as the first tap to the bottom took place, the very first girlfriend said stop. I of course, whipped her a second time. Another stop followed. It goes without saying that I whipped her a third time. After all, she wasn't using the safety word. After a very loud third stop that involved some crying this time around, I realized she really did want me to stop. I was horrified, mortified and ashamed.
You see what I mean by trust and communication? We both learned very valuable lessons that day. The very first girlfriend discovered that she didn't like BDSM after all and I learned that the only whipping I truly enjoy is in the cream variety.
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I totally agree that in any relationship, the central issue is trust and communication. I think for a relationship to be truly egalitarian, an ongoing negotiation between the wants and desires of both individuals (or 3rd or 4th if you’re poly-oriented) is so crucial. It doesn’t have to be onerous, but just that we don’t become complacent in our expectations. Particularly since we can always change. For example – maybe one day you’ll want to take on the whip again – if only as a stylish accroutement to your leather ;-)
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