This is a list of things I’ve thrown away or removed in preparation for my parents’ upcoming 15-day visit. They’re staying in my apartment while I stay at my boyfriends’ place, and before you get all het-phobic I’ll just say that if you knew her, you’d call her my boyfriend too. But why that matters is for another day. Right now, I’m trying to clean my apartment, and keep the flashbacks of being 14 years old to a minimum.
Here’s the list:
From the hallway:
- White curtain rod
- Couch coasters (3 with felt bottoms, 1 without)
From the kitchen:
- Expired cranberry juice
- Expired tin of sliced water chestnuts
- Withered piece of ginger
- Expired Lindt mini dark chocolates
- Expired vegetable oil
- (Empty) blue hash spray bottle
- Pack of du Maurier extra light cigarettes (2 ½ cigarettes)
- Pear Nectar juice with disgusting mould skin on bottom of jar
- Canada Dry Bitter Lemon, half bottle
- Moulding soup broth
- Moulding half jar of spaghetti sauce
- Expired Hellmann’s Creamy Dijonnaise
- Expired chocolate milk
- Dirty yet fully functional green and white square fan, circa 1964 approx. (it was gone after an hour of putting it to the curb)
- Empty and stained 12-year-aged Bowmore Scotch Whiskey canister
- Dirty dishrag
- Soap sliver
- “Bottoms Up!” shot glass with a picture of a really large spread lady’s ass (a gift from my sister and her former husband)
- Léon Beyer Riesling Reserve 2004, maybe 3 sips left
- Planeta La Segreta 2005, a glass left
- Dominio del Arenal Cerrado del Espino 2001, a glass left
- Bag of wine corks (87) from bottles that have been drunk in my apartment since I started saving them- possibly 2 years
- ¾ bottle of Bacardi rum (I didn’t pour it down the sink)
- Rosenborg Extra Creamy Blue Cheese in Oil (actually, I think I’ll leave this in the fridge because it seems to be the only thing that hasn’t expired -Nov 2006- even though I have no idea how it got there)
- Neal Brothers Organic Salsa, medium (how anything organic ever made it into my fridge, I also cannot explain)
From the bathroom:
- Expired lubricating jelly
- Tiny blue bottled hotel conditioner
- Expired Coppertone spray-on sunscreen
- White Magic cream colour developer
- Wellite hair lightening activator packets (3)
- Shimmer Lights Original conditioning shampoo for blondes (I haven’t had blonde hair for 6 years)
- Plush Brown Fanci-full ready-to-use rinse (This bottle has moved with me, and I’ve been in this apartment for 7 years)
- Browning/moulding luffa with terrycloth back (ew)
- Rusted tin of leg wax
- Expired “Safe As Coffee” Maximum Strength NoDoz tablets
- Zen Hope white body lotion
- Soap sliver (2)
- After colour conditioner tube, half used (4)
- Black false eyelashes (3)
- Vermillion Red 105 La riche Directions strand test strongly recommended conditioning semi-permanent Hair Colour
- Lorri Millan & Shawna Dempsey “Bellies” postcard (it’s their snatch/bush portrait and I had it hanging in the water closet above the toilet)
From the living/tv/computer room:
- Dead flowers from my birthday in June
- Paris Cock line drawing
- Drug tin (hash, marijuana, rolling papers, match books with filter sized strips removed)
- Black and gold vibrator with sponge and nipple attachments (moved to green room gynecological table cupboard)
- Violet and pastel pink nail file
- Ink cartridge holder from a printer I got rid of 5 years ago
- Boone felt marker board square eraser
- Island of Montreal East July 2003-2004 Pages Jaunes
- Island of Montreal Centre 2005 keep until September Pages Jaunes
- Canada411 Print Directory Montreal 2005 keep until December Pages Jaunes
- Island of Montreal East 2006 keep until September Pages Jaunes
- Neighbourhood Directory Outremont, Plateau Mont-Royal December 2003-2004 Pages Jaunes
- Edition 1, 2004 Pink Pages: The Official Guide of the Gay and Lesbian Community of Montreal
- 8 year-old Life Brand Pregnancy Test Kit box with 2 used test sticks, both negative (they’re just going to send mixed messages, and perhaps raise unasked questions about abortion)
- Cherry Flavoured Lypsyl
From the green room:
- Expired lubricating jelly
- EZ-fit Latex Pack-a-Pussy (2)
- Cut-up tan pantyhose
- Empty Trojan Ultra texture lubricated condom box
- Certified Data keyboard pad
- Expired condoms and lube packs (looks like they came from an event or Pride as they are packed in a plastic baggy)
- Climax Climax Climax Personal Lubricant (5 sample packs)
- Bio “oral sex compatible” medical lubricating gel packet
- One bottle of ForPlay Lube de Lux water based gel (Why the hell I have so much lube, both expired and not expired all over the apartment I can’t explain.)
From the bedroom:
- TRIAD Lubricating Jelly packet
- Striped t-shirt with armpit stains (ew)
- Long-sleeved jersey-knit shirt with stains
- Kitsch naked lady boob salt and pepper shaker set (3)
- ‘Tasteful’ headless naked lady cream jug
- Silicone camouflage dildo with scrotum
- Silicone marble dildo with two heads
- Tantus 14cm tall purple dildo
- Candida Royale’s “A Taste of Ambrosia” VHS cassette in box
- KY Plus spermicidal lubricant, no expiration date, but I can’t even remember the last time I used it- I think this tube moved with me as well.
- Expired condoms (2)
- Trojan Ultra texture Lubricated condom (1), expiry: Jul- 2007
- The Ultimate Guide to Strap-On Sex, by Karlyn Lotney AKA Fairy Butch
Things that stayed but were considered for removal:
- Double-headed Caucasian coloured dildo newly fitted with toy eyeballs
- Acrylic Love Princess vibrator with black velour satchel (in box)
- Pocket Pussy (5 in boxes, one out and that frankly, has seen better days)
- Pocket Pussy glued into jockstrap-cup that has also seen better days
- Fake vinyl boobs (5 ripped pairs, 2 intact)
- Remote Control Sleek Vibrating Egg “whisper quiet and powerful” just the box, I can’t find the actual egg
- Mini Hummer Strap-on vibrating red butterfly with thong, and again just the box. I think it might be stuck to some costumes in my tickle trunk/coffee table.
- Purple harness (I don’t think it’s really leather) with 3 pink jelly attachments, but I can’t find the anchor that keeps them in place
- Red devil finger sex puppet, I can’t find the black one that I think might be another devil or a nun
I kept these items in the apartment because they can all be easily explained away as props and costumes regardless of their actual use, which is in fact for props and costumes. I claim them as expenses on my taxes with the same excuse, so if it’s good enough for Revenue Canada, then it’s totally okay for my parents. Besides, it’s not like these things are on display, you’ve gotta be looking in the closed cabinets of the gynecological exam table to get to them, and frankly, what are you doing in there? Looking for spices?
Stuff I was shaky on was taken out because the idea of burning the image of a double headed dildo or purple butt plug nestled in my underwear drawer in my mother’s brain is entirely mortifying to me- I mean how embarrassing. And yes, I took off and put away the stir-up foot rests from the gynecological table. I am however, thinking of actually bringing out the ripped fake boobs during the visit as I think it would be a nice bonding activity to repair them with my mom- we both love sewing.
People ask me if “they know” or if my folks are cool with the homo thing, and despite the list, which is really about not showcasing my slob side or painting them a sexually explicit picture of their kid- I mean, come to the parade, but don’t watch the porn, know what I mean? Anyway, they totally love my boyfriend, and hug her at the airport both on arrival and departure when we’ve visited, and I’m sure it will be a big hug-fest (they’re so west coast) when we pick them up at Trudeau International.
And despite the apartment parent-proofing, I’m really looking forward to their visit as it’s their first since I’ve been here, which is about 10 years. (I’ve always gone to see them in the past.) We’re taking them to Quebec City for the weekend where there will be shopping and museum visiting, walking and restaurant eating. When we return, dinner parties will be held, friends will be met, cards will be played, and football will be watched.
I don’t know who you should wish more luck; me, them, or my boyfriend. I’ll keep you posted on how it goes, and meanwhile, I’d love to read your list of what you would keep in the house, remove, or throw away if your parents came to visit you.
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Can I borrow your copy of “The Ultimate Guide to Strap-On Sex”, by Karlyn Lotney AKA Fairy Butch? Thanks. Mo.
— Mo Sep 26, 10:15 #Totally.
— Raging Homo Sep 26, 12:49 #Do you need someone to show you how to “read” it?